Alcoholism is a chronic condition that doesn’t just affect the person with a disorder, but their loved ones as well. Living with an alcoholic can put a strain on your relationships as it impacts friends and family as well. Whether it’s your partner, parent, or sibling, sharing a home with them can be difficult to deal with. Many people in the UK live struggle with alcoholism, putting strain on their families and friends. Between 2021 and 2022, 342,795 hospital admissions occured due to alcohol. Similarly, the rate of alcohol-related deaths has hit a record high of 10,000 in the UK.
We’ll discuss some of the main issues that alcoholism can cause, along with advice on how you can cope while living with an alcoholic.
Why do People Become Alcoholics
Part of coping with living with an alcoholic is to understand why they become one. In cases where alcoholism severely impairs someone’s functions, you may wonder ‘is alcoholism a disability?’ In that case, severe dependence on alcohol can be a form of disability. But there’s no one cause of alcoholism, but rather an interplay of different genetic, environmental, and psychological factors:
Family History
It’s possible that your loved one has a family history of alcoholism on a genetic and environmental level. Studies indicate that genes, specifically the ADH1B and the ALDH2 genes, can control alcohol metabolism. Even people without genetic risk factors can develop alcoholism if they’re raised in an environment that normalises maladaptive drinking patterns.
High Stress Levels
If your family member, friend, or spouse experiences high stress levels at home, work, or any other environment, they may turn to alcohol in an attempt to unwind and relax. However, it can become a coping mechanism with a repetitive, maladaptive pattern in the long term. As stress levels remain steady, they may have to increase the number of drinks and drink more often.
Mental Health Conditions
People with mental health conditions, whether it’s depression, PTSD, or bipolar disorder, face a higher risk of developing alcoholism as a co-occurring condition. For those struggling with debilitating symptoms, alcohol can provide relief, ultimately leading to harmful drinking patterns.
Traumatic Experiences
Facing a traumatic event may have put your loved one at risk of developing alcoholism. For example, they may have been in an accident or survived a wartime event, causing them to drink alcohol since they can’t process memories in a healthy way.
Signs of Being an Alcoholic
In many instances, your loved one can be unaware that they have an alcohol problem. What may seem like poor drinking habits can be a much more chronic problem. Common signs include:
- Drinking heavily when they’re alone
- Drinking at inappropriate times, like early in the morning before they go to work
- Continuing to drink despite its negative impacts on their work, health, and relationships
- Feeling irritable and angry when they haven’t had a drink
- Missing important occasions because they were incapacitated as a result of drinking too much
When you try to have a conversation with your loved one, they may ask ‘how do I know if I’m an alcoholic?’ Bringing up habits that gradually became more maladaptive. For example, they may initially binge drink on the weekend, but this is followed by drinking throughout the week. Another major sign involves personality personality changes they show when they haven’t had a drink. These can manifest as irritability, restlessness, and lethargy.
4 Steps on How to Live with an Alcoholic
Learning how to live with an alcoholic partner, parent, family member, or friend, involves understanding, communicating, and providing support. Living with an alcoholic can cause feelings of self-blame, making excuses for them, and trying to control their drinking habits. Here’s what you can do to start a conversation about their drinking:
1. Understand Alcohol Use Disorder
When you understand alcohol use disorder as a mental health concern, it can curb any resentment you feel towards an alcoholic parent, partner, sibling, or friend. This allows you to be more supportive in other ways, like speaking to a professional about how you can cope or joining a support group. You’ll learn about available treatment options for your loved one, how you may have been enabling them, and how to be supportive.
2. Confront Them
Talking to your loved one about their alcoholism is an important step but it’s also difficult. They need to realise the effects of their drinking instead of feeling like you’re accusing them. And if you don’t feel comfortable, remember to prioritise your safety and get the help of a family member.
Make sure you plan out what you’ll say to them beforehand. Your words should be empathetic and free of judgment. It’s possible that they’re aware of their negative drinking habits, even if they tell you otherwise. However, arguing, lecturing, blaming, or shaming won’t make them change.
Instead, talk about how their drinking is affecting their health, friends, and family. You can also mention different financial or relationship issues that stem from their addiction. During the discussion, remind them that you’ll support them in finding help. At the end, ask what you can do to assist them, like taking over some responsibilities.
3. Intervention
Though it’s important to have a conversation with your loved one, it rarely goes well. That’s why the next step should be intervention. Most addiction experts use community reinforcement and family training as part of an intervention plan.
As a part of the intervention plan, you’ll learn to recognise your loved one’s triggers, break patterns that cause their drinking, and find coping strategies to take care of yourself. The plan will also help you identify signs of violence and come up with a plan to stay safe.
4. Take Care of Yourself
When you’re living with an alcoholic, it can seem like your responsibility to make them stop. However, the only thing you can do is to provide support and the motivation to change must come from the person. Being overly invested in their recovery can take a toll on your mental health.
Even if your family member, partner, parent, or sibling is committed to getting better, recovery isn’t a straightforward path. Taking a step back and looking after yourself can prepare you to better support a loved one struggling with alcoholism.
How to Help an Alcoholic in Denial
Though we discussed some common signs of alcoholism above, they may not be visible when an alcoholic is in denial. This is when they’re aware of the impact of their drinking behaviours, but don’t want to admit they have a problem. They’ll show less obvious signs, like:
- Hiding alcoholic beverages in discrete places like their car so you or another family member doesn’t find it
- Saying they’ve only had one or two drinks when they’ve had many more
- Hiding details about their activities and whereabouts because they involve drinking
- Finding excuses to drink, like saying it’s a ‘treat’ after a long day at work
- Making jokes about their drinking habits to hide how much they’re really drinking
- Buying expensive brands of alcohol, as a way to prove that their drinking is under control
Even if they deny that they have a problem, knowing to look out for these signs is the first step to helping them see a professional.
Talk To Them About Their Behaviour
If you suspect that your loved one is in denial about their alcoholism, the first step is to talk to them about their habits.
- Pick a quiet place to have a conversation so they feel safe and comfortable as opposed to feeling attacked. They’re more likely to open up to you if they’re relaxed; otherwise, they may just deny it.
- Have examples of their harmful drinking behaviour, so if they deny it, you’ll have specific instances to share with them. Examples are a useful way to gently remind them of times they drank excessively and how it negatively impacted others. This can help them understand that their actions have consequences, encouraging them to admit they have a problem.
Set Boundaries and Expectations
Because your loved one’s drinking can have a significant impact on other people in the home, it’s a good idea to have boundaries. For instance, saying that you won’t tolerate them being intoxicated in front of younger siblings or your children. Communicate these expectations clearly and regularly whenever they’re sober, so you can assert these boundaries when the situation calls for it.
Avoid Enabling Their Behaviour
When a loved one is struggling with addiction, it’s only natural that you want to be supportive. but without enabling their harmful behaviour. But when they’re an alcoholic in denial, trying to make things easy for them can enable their behaviour.
- Making excuses for their alcoholism
- Giving them money so they can purchase alcohol
- Ignoring the problem because it’s easier than facing the truth
- Not reporting instances like drinking under the influence
- Leaving minors in their care when they’re intoxicated
- Not reporting domestic abuse or other violence
- Refusing professional help and trying to stop their drinking yourself
- Making threats you don’t follow through with
Asserting your boundaries is an important step in making your loved one change their behaviour. By enabling their behaviour, you let them get away with excessive drinking without consequences, causing their addiction to get worse. On the other hand, being firm will show them that they have to change.
How to Help an Alcoholic Friend, Spouse, or Family Member
After you’ve spoken to your loved one about their drinking problem with compassion and empathy, they may be open to receiving treatment. This is where the work begins and some of the things you can do to help them include:
Look For Treatment Options
It’s likely that they feel overwhelmed and aren’t sure about where to begin, which is why it helps to research treatment options. Here are a few things to know:
- Inpatient alcohol rehab centres
- At-home detox services
- Outpatient centres
- Counsellors who specialise in addiction
It helps to speak with a treatment provider beforehand so you know how the admissions process works, whether it’s covered by your insurance policy, and if there are any payment plans available. Knowing the roadmap will allow you to explain the process to your loved one. This way, there’s little uncertainty when they begin treatment.
You should also know where to find AA meetings, as these can be a crucial source of support for your loved one. If their routine prevents them from being able to attend meetings in person, you can look up if there are AA online meetings in London. Many groups host AA Zoom meetings in London so they’re easily accessible for those with busy schedules.
Support Them During Detox and Recovery
Supporting a loved one seeking treatment for alcoholism is a lifelong journey as you learn to navigate detox, rehab, and post-rehab recovery. Even people who are in remission from alcohol use disorder are learning to cope with their alcohol use disorder. So, you should begin with reasonable expectations, such as the fact that many people who start treatment relapse at some point.
Know Relapse Triggers
A relapse is when your loved one regresses back into alcohol use. It happens because of factors like thinking they can’t stay sober, conflicts, poor coping skills, and negative emotional states like anger or loneliness. With help from a professional, your loved one can identify situations and stimuli that could trigger a relapse.
To stay prepared for a relapse, you should be aware of prevention tips:
- Avoiding Relapse Triggers: After your loved one identifies their potential triggers, they have to learn to avoid them. Some strategies include removing alcohol from your home, not going to places with alcohol, and avoiding people who encourage them to drink.
- Self-Care: Encouraging your loved one to get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and eat balanced meals can improve their mood and stress levels, reducing their reliance on alcohol.
- Engage in Aftercare: After formal treatment ends, consider enrolling your loved one in an aftercare program so they can continue recovering. This includes counselling, staying in sober living environments, and seeing support groups.
While these are some ways on how to deal with an alcoholic spouse, parent, or family member, remember that alcoholism is a chronic condition. Recovery is a lifelong process with prolonged therapeutic interventions. Though supporting your loved one is a priority, you should also work on taking care of yourself and seeking support for the challenges you face. Together, you and your loved one can stay focused on their recovery journey, taking it one day at a time.
