Relapsing while undergoing addiction treatment can take a toll on both the individual and their family. If you know someone undergoing treatment for addiction, you’re probably well aware of the risks surrounding relapse. But what can you do when it happens and a loved one needs your help? Here’s a rundown of what to say to someone who relapsed and what not to say.
What Causes Someone To Relapse
A relapse during addiction recovery can happen for various reasons. In many cases, people, places, and things can act as possible triggers. A loved one can relapse because of things like medical issues, unemployment, losing someone close to them, or moving to a new city or neighbourhood. Any stressful event in a person’s life has the potential to cause a relapse, so it’s important to form a robust support system to prevent them from relapsing.
Signs That a Loved One Has Relapsed
A relapse isn’t just when someone starts using alcohol or drugs again – that’s the physical stage. Before this, a person in recovery experiences emotional changes, also known as the emotional stage. When this occurs, they’re not actively thinking about taking the substance but feel defensive and don’t practice self-care. In the mental stage, your loved one may have cravings or think about places or people associated with past use. They may minimise the consequences of past use and think of scenarios where it would be acceptable to use, also known as bargaining.
If they’re showing the following signs, intervene immediately to prevent a possible physical relapse:
- Isolating oneself from others
- Avoiding support group meetings
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Eating too much or too little
- Having cravings, bargaining, or minimising the consequences of using substances.
What To Say
When a loved one experiences an alcohol or drug relapse during their treatment journey, it’s important to know what you should say. Despite your intentions, the things you say during their most vulnerable time can have a significant impact on their motivation. So, it’s best to communicate that you’re not judging them. Here are some examples of what you can say:
This doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
Approximately 40 to 75 percent of patients return to drug abuse after starting treatment, proving that it’s a part of addictive recovery for many people. Of course, your loved one may not want to hear the statistics, so it’s best to tell them that this setback doesn’t mean they’ve failed. It encourages them to believe that they can recover as long as they’re willing to try again.
We can get right back on track.
For many people struggling with drug addiction, recovery seems like a difficult game you have to start over each time. By using terms like ‘we’ or ‘let’s,’ you show how you’re a part of the journey, too. This serves as a reminder to loved ones that they’re not alone, and that you’ll be by their side to motivate and encourage them. The statement also helps your loved one dismiss negative thoughts about never being able to stay sober.
I’m here to support you.
When someone suffers from an addiction relapse, they feel as though they’ve let down their loved ones. Telling them that you’re here for them is a reminder that your support is unconditional and that you won’t leave because of one setback. It shows that you’ll remain a part of their support system as they try to achieve a successful recovery. Knowing that you still support them can be a source of strength as it reduces feelings of shame and motivates them to committing to sobriety again.
I know you want to change.
By acknowledging their intention to be sober and make a change, you validate their experience and prove that their progress so far is not nothing. It’s a way to commend them and acknowledge their efforts in starting a treatment journey towards sobriety. It also shows them you’re proud of their commitment and that you don’t believe the common misconception that a relapse occurs because of a personal moral failing.
You’ve done it before, you can do it again.
When your loved one has a relapse, they hit a roadblock in their addiction recovery journey. Naturally, they’ll feel pessimistic, so it’s a good idea to show optimism in their abilities and what they’ve accomplished. This statement is also a reminder of their earlier success, proving that their progress so far matters.
Remind them that their second attempt at stopping drug and alcohol use will be different from the first. Now, they’re prepared to deal with triggers and social events that cause them to drink.
What can I do to help?
If your loved one has experienced a relapse, a simple thing you can ask is if there’s anything you can do to help. This is a great question for anyone struggling to ask for help because you can take some stress off their shoulders by asking them yourself.
You can follow up the question by telling them what you’re willing to do, like taking them to an AA meeting or a residential rehab centre. It’s also possible that they just need someone to talk to when they experience cravings.
What did you learn from this experience?
When you ask your loved one what they’ve learned from the experience, they can reflect on it from a different perspective. They’ll think about what they did wrong and how they can come up with an effective relapse prevention plan.
Encouraging reflection is a great way to get them out of a negative thought cycle so they can think about what triggered their relapse. Maybe they faced a highly stressful situation and didn’t have enough support. Either way, you have to ask with a non-judgmental tone and communicate your points so it looks like you’re genuinely empathetic and want to hear their side of the story.
What Not To Say When Someone Relapses
At the same time, there are some things you should never say to a person going through the recovery process. Knowing what statements to avoid saying can help improve your loved one’s mental health.
I’m disappointed in you.
The one thing that people are worried about hearing when they relapse is that their friends and family are disappointed in them. If your loved one relapsed while recovering from alcohol or substance use disorder, it’s natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even angry at how addiction has affected them. But in the present moment, telling them you’re disappointed will only make them feel worse.
Think about it: they’re already being hard on themselves, so knowing that someone they love is disappointed will be even more harmful. The best thing to do is to recognise the relapse as a minor setback, acknowledge your feelings, and let it go. Instead, redirect your energy towards making it a learning experience for effective relapse prevention.
But you were doing so well till now. What happened?
When a family member or close friend relapses, you’ll want to know why it happened. Unfortunately, asking this question out loud can make them feel ashamed and distant. It’s normal to be curious about what is causing a relapse, but understand that not all statements do a good job of proving your intentions. Instead of asking ‘what happened’ or worrying about a relapse, you should be proactive and ready to detect signs that signal a possible relapse.
This way, you can speak up whenever you observe signs of a potential relapse, helping your loved one maintain long-term sobriety. At the same time, it’s worth remembering that addiction isn’t a choice and should be treated as a medical condition.
This addiction treatment program isn’t enough.
It’s true that professionals suggest treatment based on a specific approach they think will be effective. Remember that no one approach is better than the other, so instead of worrying about the type of treatment, you should focus on keeping your loved one comfortable during treatment.
Unfortunately, many people can start to feel as though the current mode of treatment isn’t enough because it ‘didn’t work.’ Just know that the only person who can have a say in the treatment method is your loved one. They’ll be the ones to decide if the plan aligns with their goals and to choose a more or less intensive approach with alternative treatments.
Other Ways To Support Someone Going Through Relapse
The people around someone recovering from addiction play a critical role in their chances of being fully sober. Besides saying the right things (and not saying the wrong things), you can offer support through your actions. Sometimes, it’s difficult to know what you should say to someone who has relapsed. Fortunately, these are a few proactive and simple ways to help a loved one deal with recovery and detox.
Listen To Them
One of the first things a healthcare provider recommends to someone in recovery is to find support. If you’re ready to be a part of their support system, you need to listen and not give them a lecture. Most people in recovery are going through the most challenging time in their lives, so they don’t want advice – they just want someone who will listen without being defensive. Of course, you should be mindful of your body language and facial expression so the other person feels comfortable when talking to you.
Be With Them
A relapse is usually accompanied by feelings of failure, guilt, and depression. So when a friend or family member has relapsed, just being around them can be helpful. You can assist them with everyday tasks like helping them prepare meals or doing the laundry. Doing small things for them can lighten their load and bring them to the present moment.
Review Their Relapse Prevention Plan
It’s common for addiction treatment programs to have an individualised relapse prevention plan in place. However, the plan needs to be reviewed and revised based on new information and situations. For example, warning signs that someone is about to experience a relapse. By reviewing the plan, both you and your loved one can prevent a situation from snowballing and causing a possible relapse.
Offer To Take Them To Meetings
Support groups are an important aspect of the addiction recovery journey, but your loved one may feel intimidated going on their own. In this case, you can offer to attend meetings with them so they can stay on track with a consistent recovery routine. This shows that you want to be a part of their journey towards sobriety.
Help Them Practice Self Care
People recovering from an addiction can be very hard on themselves, overlooking self-care as they struggle with mental health concerns. For example, they may avoid taking care of themselves because it feels selfish. However, these negative feelings can lead to resentment and exhaustion, which further increase the risk of a relapse.
Talk to your loved one about self-care adn how it’s a way for them to nourish their mind while reducing their chances of using substances. You can encourage them to practice self-care in different ways, like enjoying a leisure activity or spending time outdoors. Another option is to practice a self-care routine that includes taking vitamins, enjoying a warm bath, and lighting a scented candle.
